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tv   At Midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  March 26, 2015 12:01am-12:33am PDT

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suggestions. finally, kentucky has me nervous. if they win-- and a lot of people think they will-- i have baby-birded, which means-- yeah. to be baby-birded, which means a momma bird-- to be named later. follow the show on twitter and keep an eye out for my video updates >> it's 11:59, and 59 seconds this is happening on @midnight right now. >> in january we launched the point me challenge to turning into one of our fans into our one of our players we had a spidey sense that our viewers were funny so we
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enlisted social media to prove our theory it started a little dubious at first. >> i'm bringing bootie back. so go ahead and sell that scrawny nerdist@. >> scrawny, how dare you sir. for the nationally you stepped up the come degame and we received thousands of funny tweets an stain gram after an exhausesive search we found this gentlemen who made us consistently laugh. sure there is an all female ghostbusters but i didn't hear any one complain about this all male golden girls. and then this is for valentine's day it's bad how many cats have no idea they are somebody's valentines. and the trifecta of awesome grocery store sushi is the how about a hand job of sushi. ladies and gentlemen he has earned is position here making his national television debut he is one of you from our audience but all the way from austin texas please welcome chris
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cubas. (applause) welcome, welcome. yes. you did it. did you it. (cheers and applause) tom is over there stretching steve is not. so we're putting someone on national television for the very first time culled from our audiencement i would like you to give me three words for how this could go horribly wrong, steve agee go. >> irritable bowel oops. >> all right chris cubas. >> support bill kosby. (applause) >> that could be horribly wong that i what. good start by the way starting off strong tom lennon. >> gets panic boner. >> it's time to start @midnight. (applause)
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captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are co-hosting the first anniversary show of babes at the baked potato in stud why city california, april 14th steve agree. >> -- this is our first comedian from austin, texas chris cubas. (applause) >> yeah. first of all congratulations, you have been him aruous. >> thank you. >> and it is an honger to you have here. what do you do in austin texas. >> i'm a bartender slash door guy slash comedian i do all this stuff. >> excellent, man. do you have a strategy for the show since it is the first time on television sm. >> physical intimidation. >> yeah. >> could take steve down. (laughter)
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>> i think i just got that panic boner. >> you got the panic boner. (applause) that's all right. what i hear tom will help you out with that. >> that's just in my wiki does pedia. from the odd couple thursdays on cbs tom lennon is back. (cheers and applause) let's start ripped from the internethead lines it's rapid refresh. (cheers and applause) >> social sighted about this. still makes me happy. kids come on in dad's got a new graphic he wants to show i. stop crying. all right listen i have to warn you, there is not much time. something awful is coming no no it's already start. jesus christ the new entourage movie goddamnity. oh that song is like what you hear if you huff up act
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body spray for a day. dream large live larger. oh [bleep] bros epic bro going to be the briggest bros you guys have ever bro bro bro yeah! yes the first official trailer of sex in the city for douchebags just dropped and youtube. and the whole gang is there guys you got your vince you got your drama your turtles your unnamed bikini babe 12 everybody. and that includes a cameo from which ridiculously out of place celebrity a professional praiser keg seagrammer 48-year-old warren buffett. or c oh my george takei. >> george takei. >> it's takei first of all. >> guys, you got to dream large and live larger because it is all of the above. these pem are all this there. 100% points to steve ag ee. not just them there are so many more.
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♪ ♪ ♪. >> did you call that the really expendables? >> yes, they z a hundred points, in that trailer it was classically trained death machine liam neeson as liam neeson respond to your agent after you are offered a part in the entourage movie steve agee. >> okay but no butt stuff. >> points. >> tom lennon. >> listen very carefully to me right now. if you think that academy award nominee oscar schindler is being to be in the [bleep] entourage movie wait wait they got the girl from the blurred lines video? (laughter) >> points. >> what time and where?
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did he-- de turn into a leprechaun. >> he did. i hope no one tries to steal liam's lucky charms. >> straight up racist. >> straight up racist. and the irish-- aren't a race, come on. >> they're white people, you can make fun of them. >> thank god. >> (applause) >> funny. all right today a shockwave made its way through betweener that sent one direction fans into one depression. the news broke earlier, i hope are you sitting down good. zayn malik would be leaving the band to focus on being a normal 5 foot 7 inch tall little 22-year-old millionaire. oh for christ's sake. let's just leave the little help with the-- that has fallen into my eyeballs where's my wrist wranglers. you know kids this stuff happens.
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keep your chins up i'm sure everything is fine. let's just check in with twitter, i'm sure everything is okay. worst week of my life my dad cheats on my mom and zayn leaves the band. what next? (applause) >> i think one could only draw the assumption that your dad is [bleep] zayn malik. >> okay. but comedians you see the tweets what next! steve agee. >> chris hardwick embarrasses her on national television. (applause) >> i'm sorry. okay. >> chris. >> knocked up by member of o -town. >> points. >> points. >> that brings us to the end of ripp i had refresh it's now time for the hashtag wars. >> today is tolkien reading day, a time to celebrate the man who brought out hobbit and lord of the rings n
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author of the author who invented the fantasy genre the hashtag is fantasysell ens exam el shall did shall did examples joseph gorden leviathan george rr mar written lawrence. i will put of 0 seconds. >> conan the o'brien. >> points. >> steve agee. >> nick croll. this was almost a good movie. >> andrew 20 sided dice plays. >> yes, points. >> groot kinnear. >> eddie wizard. >> points. >> you know the word play on that is funny but just a wizard named eddie wizard. >> all right tom. >> magic the gathering johnson. >> martin luther king's landing. >> points. >> steve. >> inego izalea you killed
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my father prepare to die. >> points. >> tom lennon. >> ian mckelan deagain rat. >> perfect that brings to us the end of the hashtag warsness send us your hashtags an tag them @midnight to ep could the game going. we'll be right back at more @midnight. our tweet of day from last night hashtag war was sent to us ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ great rates for great rides. geico motorcycle see how much you could save. can a truck change how people feel about a guy? we talked to real people, not actors. we showed them two pictures of the same guy in the same location.
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>> welcome back to @midnight. this is how much that i love being a part of this show and the community that it's built. not only do we get to pull someone from our audience and they are right here crushing it on the show but something very special is happened during this broadcast that i just want to bring up. this is tom lennon's wikipedia page. as a guess on the march 25th episode of @midnight he revealed that he often helps with panic boners. i'm so-- honored to be a part of this show. that is crazy because this hasn't aired yet. >> son in the audience did that. >> yes. >> yeah, this is very exciting. so i mean it's official now and i wish you luck in your new line of work. >> thank you very much. >> thank you very much. panic boners should be a clickable link someone needs to make a wikipedia
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page. >> there should be a wikipedia for panic boners. if you are watching create the meme for panic boner and then you can hyperlink it to tom's wikipedia right there. but now it's time to play sweet emoji. >> the great thing about that is this show sourced that. so it can stay up there now. >> forever. >> that's forever. >> wikipedia is forever. >> all right. emoji are little pictures that say what you are thinking when you don't have time to say you what are thinking, they are like shorthand for illiteracy. i will show a sentence made of pure emoji for 250 points tell me what it means. to the emoji machine. clink clink. >> all right. >> yes chris cubas. >> hands up don't shoot. points. >> oh oh america.
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tom. >> look, guys found the severed hands of that little girl. >> and he is so happy about it. >> points. >> next one shuning shuning. >> all right. >> chris. >> i got herpes from jerking off turtle from enturnage. >> very timely. where the entourage movie, points. >> steve agee. >> i just-- a turtle to death. >> i means that's literally what that would mean points. >> tom lennon. >> this is unfair because this is actually the lennon family crest. (laughter) >> okay, wikipedia, there is the lennon -- this is the official lennon family crest. and it is sourced by tom lennon himself. >> it stands for family first ireland first [bleep] turtle.
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>> points. now you have the definition next one. >> shuning shuning. yes, steve. >> i just saw michael phelps and lance armstrong at red lobster. >> they were having a ball lance armstrong. >> hey. >> come on guys. now we don't like him it's okay. no i wouldn't have said that before but now-- [bleep] him right. [bleep] that guy. >> steroids make your -- >> jeff? >> and breaded. >> okay points. >> you next one. >> shunkshunk. >> yes. >> chris. >> oh no i woke up next to half a hooker.
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>> points. >> i laugh at that so hard my contact almost went back into my eye socket. >> tom lennon. >> you have mountains of coke in your hair. >> points. points. diversification. >> welcome to grinder international. >> points. points. >> chris. >> these guys can't get into ou either. >> points. >> tom. >> this actually stands for i have been selected for additional screens what why? >> points points. and that brings to us the end of sweet he amongee. well played. its he time for our live challenge, poetry in motion. poetry in motion.
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sometimes i need to remember something important i make an acrostic, one of those poems where the letters in certain words spell out another word. i'm fun like that redditor maze will 5 posted a great example of this. silent, quiet uninterpreted reading time. in other words squirt. my girlfriend must not enwroi reading because i can never get her to squirt. especially in a library. >> comedians, your challenge is to come up with an even more inappropriate acrostic. we'll get your answers after the break. we'll be right back with more @midnight.y
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♪and do you take this man♪ ♪to be your lawfully wedded husband?♪ ♪to have and to hold.♪ ♪for better or worse,♪ ♪in sickness and in health.♪ ♪ i can't!♪ ♪what?♪ ♪lisa!♪ ♪wait!♪ ♪ ♪ahh god!♪ ♪ ♪taxes are your year,♪ ♪only much simpler.♪ ♪you can handle simpler.♪ ♪intuit turbotax.♪ ♪it's amazing what you're capable of.♪ last year, bud light built a town called whatever usa and invited anyone who enjoys spontaneous awesomeness to become its citizens. it's like christmas, my birthday, mardi gras...
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all combined! this is unreal! it's like my best dream! are you up for whatever? good weather, drinking beer, it's awesome! where am i? this is amazing! and all that's standing between you and a chance at - wooooo! - is sharing a fifteen second video audition! tell us why you should go using #upforwhatever and #audition. how do they make starburst taste so juicy? they use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] it's about to get juicy. whoo! i feel so aliii... it takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. unexplainably juicy. pw ♪ ♪pw ♪
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hw droid by motorola. pw@áwhp7 it mahzhys. hw droidoh9. @p0÷usú;ely aterizon. @)00ff wheu trade in any smartphone. >> welcome back to @midnight. before the break i showed you an inappropriate acrostic poem encourage couraging children to skirt at the library and asked you to come up with another doodzy with the for the kids. >> tom lennon. >> this one is shark in the
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mouth. which stands for start helping assisting reading teachers in new lightful applicable manners in useful total helpfulness. >> that is amazing. by the way i didn't know you could plan a shart i thought those were spontaneous occurrences. >> you can, look it up. >> can that be my wikipedia entry. also can someone make me a wikipedia page i don't have one. >> yes you'll get one now. >> chris cubbas, what is yours. >> mine is give extra day it never makes your victory a negative or get in my van. >> all right. fantastic. steve agee. >> kid it's kid.
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>> now that i see t i can't imagine would you come up with anything else. >> i have to give a thousand points to steve agee. (applause) >> and 500 each to chris and tom lennon. as we jump to our next game other city slogan. other city slogans. >> tonight's honorary guest hailed from austin, texas whose unofficial city motto is keep austin weird it would be great if other cities had similarly cool slogans so give me as many new city slogans as you can in 60 seconds and begin. >> keep miami on valtrex. >> points. >> detroit [bleep] duck mother [bleep]. >> tom. >> keep your lawrence kansas out of my utterus. >> dallas kennedy-free since 6 -- '63. >> points. >> chris cubas. >> boston ah go [bleep]
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yourself. >> keep quebec full of delightful marionettes. >> points. >> steve agee. >> maui, we're actually an island. >> points. >> chris cubas. >> san antonio y'all heard that new kid rock record? >> points. >> steve agee. >> stockton, i once [bleep] a girl there. >> is that just something you are saying. >> yeah points. >> chris cubas. >> orlando where meth meets mickey mouse. >> points. points. that is the end of other city slogans. i see tom lennon your winning streak has been broken tonight. do you have any last words? >> avenge my panic boner. >> yes! >> red lights for lennon. that means it's time to say thanks for the memmories. it's for the win. guys guys guys guys who
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doesn't love tom hanks? you know we were shooting talking dead the other night and shooting the first episode of the late late show with james cordon. hanks was there i came around the corner i saw him we chatted for a second. he said my mom is here at the taping. he goes i got to meet your mom. so i introduced him and then this happened. they took a picture together. he was great spent time chatting with her. it would be great if they dated. i mean how could anyone have anything but love for this national treasure. >> in attendance tonight at madison square garden. and right behind him sarah jeses ca parker. -- jessica parker. >> comedians what was tom talking about that made her so up set. we'll have our comedian's answers and name a winner when we come back on @midnight
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all we need to sell strongbow hard cider, is ice. and an award for best tasting hard cider. have you got the shot yet? remember that thing about keeping your face behind the award? strongbow.
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. welcome back too @midnight. time for for the win. eye will wipe your scores clean. it all comes down to this you have been played an amazing game chris cubas congratulations. >> thank you. >> no matter what happens you are a winner. but you guys will have to decide the ultimate victor before the break i showed you the sarah jessica parker being all angry at tom hanks for something. and i asked you to tell me what tom hanks said that made her so up set. first one, first one. >> i'm really more of a
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miranda. (laughter) >> all right or. >> [bleep] tom hanks i'm tv this is awesome. my pod cast canceled on itunes tak points me hash tal buzz. >> who is number two. chris cubas has won. he really won fair and square. this is amazing congratulations. >> congratulations. are you the funniest person for the next 23 and a half hours future comedy star chris cubas. we'll see you tomorrow our guests natasha leggero jeff ross and sarah tee ana. keep the game going. i'm@nerdist. good night and the brads are not to be used as q-tips. they're for holding paper together. got it? great. oh, and last but least salesman of the month--
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